Visions in the past and what crashed clearly in my mind is a huge gray canvas with different flowerish leftovers blothes. Even after flowers are done blooming the plant can continue to grow if it has a special care. However if it dryed, you have some ways to handle it: first put it in the colorful glass bottle to make illusion that it is still alive, secondly try to make herbarium or put it in your handmade art, or finally you can get it away from your eyes in various ways, whatever you prefer more. Anyway it will stay in your mind but on different levels of perception.
I remember drowning in my work routine and i do not remeber how I allowed it to happen. It occured gradually, task by task, I did not notice how deep was a hole i was digging for myself where i could not find any lights of motivation or energy for living life. What i wanted was not waking up during the week, and trying to catch fresh wind over weekends. Sometimes I had wonderful lunches with Lina and other volunteers. Sometimes I was feeling that I was alone in the grey room. Sometimes I was creating what i really liked. Sometimes I was late. Sometimes I was smilling. Sometimes the shower in our house did not work. Sometimes I just had these “sometimes”. Sometimes is kind of semitone of life, when you grab your life and feel it but at the same time you cannot feel it properly.
Fortunately, I had not only ‘sometimes’ but also blasts, which are similar with hyperpop songs like “Ohne Benzin”,”Baby Blizzar” or new album of Charli XCX. One of my vivid memories is visiting the music festival “Hurricane”, especially, when i really had THE moment with Charli XCX during her timeslot. It was spectacular! Or when Emi and Sanja made “khachapuri” for my birthday, it was the decent sign of love, i believe. Or wonderful first-time kayaking experience. Or travelling to Italy where I could contribute to the project and felt proud and needed, and made new wonderful friends.
Honestly, I cannot say that my second part of volunteering was brightful or perfect. Also I do not blame anyone or anything. The volunteer year is THE life and sometimes when we try living it, we are having our own ups and downs. But i am still believing that new tool kits for how I should live my life will be wrapped up, sometimes, it only happens in unsettled times.
Catch ya latya
Efim is hosted by NaturKultur e.V. on our project financed by the European Solidarity Corps and Jugend für Europa.