It’s been a long time since I wrote but lately I’ve been thinking about it every day. I have 2 days left of work at the farm, then the parents come on Thursday.
I’m not really realizing that I’m leaving. Even though my room is naked and full of moving boxes. Even though when I walk in the street I feel the acorns cracking under my soles, the same way as when I arrived. It is the end, I know, almost all of my friends are gone. Cecilia took her plane yesterday, and it’s not that bad because I am leaving in 3 days anyway. But it feels weird not having anybody left to say goodbye to.
I can’t believe that autumn is already starting. Friday, I picked a chestnut in the street. It was shining in the sun light and had a lot of interwoven motives that grew on it. Before I picked it up I kicked it, and then I noticed its shine under the sun. So, I took it with me and I caressed it a lot in my pocket because of how soft and smooth it was. I threw it Saturday when I was coming back from the protest after I gave a card to Cecilia. I thought it would rot otherwise. It had a little crack, maybe when I kicked it before I picked it up.
I avoided writing these past few days, I wanted to focus on the cleaning. But maybe I should’ve written earlier because I just burst in tears. I think writing makes me realizing that I’m leaving for real. I’m writing and I’m thinking about the goats. And Timon. Crazy to see how fast it becomes normal to consider that you are friend with a pig. I will miss him so much. I’m so happy that I got to pet a pig in my life. To feel that we trusted each other. This thought really upsets me.
It’s so crazy to finally leave. I wished so much not being there anymore, but now that it’s happening, it doesn’t feel as good as I thought it would.
But I feel like I’m turning sad, so I’m going to make a list of things I’m really going to miss from here:
-the orange light induced by my curtains when the sun was filtering through them
-the sound of the activity bell
-the softness of Remuses ears
-the roughness of Emil’s hair
-the sensation of holding a chicken close to you
-the taste of raspberries and currants from the garden
-the morning cold on my cheeks
-wearing rubber boots everyday
-the hardness of the pig’s hair but how soft the belly was and how silky the back of their ears was
-laying down in the grass in summertime and seeing the insects racing in the air
-duck’s laugh
-the purring of Mietze laying on me
-the smell of straw and hay (even though it makes you sneeze and prevent you from breathing)
-protecting Otto from Flora and Kalle so that we could eat in peace and how bittersweet it was to hear that one of the new goats is named Otto Junior
-kneeling in front of Maja and caressing her chest (and her pushing me to have even more cuddles)
-smoking on the balcony with Luca while we tell each other our days
-taking with an Italian accent when I’m speaking English, it’s a little bit as if Matilda and Cecilia were living though me
-spending winter time under the blanket, playing video games and drinking hot chocolates
-going to the movies often and alone and feeling safe in the dark rooms
-making jokes in German
-missing my parents
-cutting the branches of the apple trees with Neema
-becoming (a tiny bit) friend with the kids from here and seeing them grow (a little)
-getting my fingers pinched by the ducks while feeding them dry worms
-I’m going to miss being able to talk German that well
I’m crying a lot since I started writing. But I think that I’m really not sad to leave. Just that it’s over.
But hey I’m reading what I wrote coming in here, and I’m saying that everywhere I lay my eyes I just remember how empty and useless I am. Well here I never felt that way.
After that I’m also saying that I’m always to demanding with myself and that I never feel proud of me. But now I feel so much better. I accepted to go back to my parent’s place and to breathe, to stop waiting productivity or “coolness” from me. Also, I’m super proud of myself for coming here. To have survived like a little chef. That the winter was not to tough.
Thanks 🙂
Joséphine was hosted by NaturKultur on our project co-funded by the European Union.
If you want to experience something similar to what Joséphine did, check out our open calls here.
